Hoots from the Archive - "Here Comes Santa Claus" (not round my house he doesn't)

The following article appeared in the Christmas 2001 edition of The New Mancunian, and was written by Paul Wheeler (Geography 1992 - present).

"At this time of year children of all ages get excited about the prospect of the visit of a whisky scented man dressed all in red who leaves behind a gift to be enjoyed. (Except in certain districts of Liverpool, where the exact opposite happens, and a person dressed all in red and reeking of booze disappears from your house at top speed carrying your video or PS2.)

Many cultures disagree on the actual date of this present bringers arrival, with parts of Eastern Europe celebrating a day early. That's probably something to do with time zones and essential rest periods for drivers of long-distance sleighs. No doubt with European Union harmonisation we will soon be ceebrating Noel on the same day. Probably March 18th.

This annual fat red visitor goes under a variety of Pseudonyms ranging from the benevolent Father Christmas, past the devilish Saint Nick to the downright nasty Santa Claus. The name Santa Claus comes from the Dutch "Sinter Claes" meaning Saint Nicholas, but Santa is no Dutchman, hailing as he does from Asia Minor. His fame is such that (according to my Big Book of Saints) he is also Patron Saint of Russia, Greece, Prostitutes, Merchants and Thieves - which is as good a description of the Manchester United squad as I've heard for many a month.

But Santa is not Father Christmas. Father Christmas is a far more ancient figure based upon figures as diverse as England's The Green Man and Iceland's Gryle the Ogre. He has been celebrated since pre-Christian times as the Lord of Misrule, The Dark One, Leader of the Wild Hunt and purveyor of song, dance, music, drink and sex in the midwinter to bring cheer to all the dark months. A role now almost perfectly replicated by office Christmas parties.

Father Christmas is a far more welcome guest in my household and not just because of his refusal to wear red. Father Christmas symbolises the urge to share pleasures during the winter months. Santa symbolises the desire to sell them to us. Father Christmas's traditional suit was green, the more familiar costume worn by Santa was designed by Coke in 1931 as a promotion for their fizzy pop, hence the choice of white and red. So Santa is the unacceptable face of global consumerism and the power of packaging over content. He is best represented by the opening of a present containing Manchester United's latest 3rd away strip in garish scarlet polyester. Father Christmas on the other hand is a celebrator of spirit and fun over adversity and hardship with a stiff drink to help you on your way. His ideal present would be Adult Twister. I know which one I prefer.

So if you are the sort of MGS pupil who is keen on ingratiating himself to his teachers by offering up winter solstice gifts, you might be well advised to consider whether the teacher is a Santa or a Father Christmas type."